Monday, October 10, 2016

When to give up...Don't give up!

Blending families is hard! It might only be hard for 9 months or 9 years, but it's hard.

I'm sure what makes it difficult differs for every blended family and for every marriage, but for mine the biggest difficulty comes from how my husband parents our children. There's the classic his-kids-are-saints-and-mine-are-heathens, and then top it off with my-way-or-the-highway from him and what you get is hurt feelings, confusion and chaos. This stems from his upbringing and of course his narcissism, but it's caused me to consider divorce more times than I can count.

So why do I stay? This is a question I have asked myself--and God, over and over.
I know I stay for our kids. Our kids need each other. That's why I stayed and why I stay. We need a whole family.

And of course I love him. It's just really hard to love him when he's a jerk. Rather, hard to love his behavior. But that's just it, I'm not required to love his behavior. I'm not required to love him acting like a jerk. I'm not required to love when he treats my kids with disdain, or when he thinks shaming is an effective parenting method. But I did promise to love him.

So when is enough enough? Obviously that's not something I can tell you other than you'll know. If that's your decision and you feel good and right about it, then you have your answer.
If there's abuse, leave. I'm confident that no one would counsel you to stay if there's abuse.
How do you know if it's abuse? Maybe this will help... 

I hope your experience is not one of abuse. I hope your blending family woes settle down over time. I hope you know that we know how you feel. And I truly hope your story will be one of success and triumph.

Thursday, May 5, 2016

Is my Partner a Narcissist? Part 5

This list is 7-20 on the 50 ways to tell List 

Does your partner carry grudges against you and others? YES. Even though I remind him that it's our job to forgive somehow, their offense against him is more important and his grudge holding supersedes that all important commandment to forgive one another.

Image result for narcissist holding a grudge

Is it all about your partner and his/her money, time, parenting time, property, and wishes/demands? YES. For instance,

Friday, April 15, 2016

Is my partner a narcissist? part 4

Does your partner seem more concerned about how your behavior or your children’s behavior reflects on him or her than on understanding and accepting who you and the kids are as people?

One word: Restaurant

We can't go without husband having a melt down because, well,
kids are kids. Don't get me wrong, they aren't screaming, running around and swinging from the chandeliers, but they may as well be if they don't act perfectly. I don't know about yours, but my kids aren't perfect.

 His are (when he deems them so.)

Wednesday, April 6, 2016

Is my Partner a Narcissist? part 3

 Continuing on with the Narcissism checklist, question #4 is:Is your partner unable to tune in to your feelings or your children’s feelings?

I think that of all of the checklist points thus far, this is the most difficult for me.

Wednesday, March 30, 2016

Is my partner a Narcissist? part 2

Continuing on with the list of 50 Ways to tell if your partner is a narcissist...

#2. Does your partner refuse to be accountable for his or
her bad behavior? (For example, "You made me so mad that I couldn't help...") <--- and I'm sorry, but how

Yes, yes and YES!

Did I already say that?

My husband is smarter than to say "You MADE me..." He just never

Monday, March 14, 2016

Is my partner a Narcissist?

I think I'm married to a narcissist.

Why do I think this? Well, because I googled it and so many light bulbs went on I had a  mental power surge (and I'm not talking about menopause).

All the articles I've read fill in all the blanks and answer all the puzzling questions I've had about my husbands troubling behavior.

Tuesday, February 16, 2016

Let me sum up...

Let me explain blending families. No, there is too much...

Waaayyyyy too much.

Our Church just put out an article that was really good.  It was one couples story about blending their families after they each divorced. There's wasn't a Brady Bunch scripted story either. It didn't delve into the dirty details either--which is good I suppose.

Remarriage: An Adventure in Patience and Love

The author lives in Norway.
Blending families requires twice as much patience. But it can also create twice as much love.
blended family
Divorce was never a part of my vocabulary until it actually happened to me. For a long time I felt the embarrassing downside of the word every time I was asked about my marital status. “I’m divorced.” It was as if I could hardly say the words out loud—as if I were saying bad words.
Nevertheless, it was where I was in life, and I had a hard time fitting in. “You’ll find someone,” my friends would say. But I was not interested and had no desire to remarry. My four children kept me busy enough.

Tuesday, January 26, 2016

A girl just needs her dad.

Last Sunday the lesson in my teenager daughters church class included a visit from one of the dad's in the ward and he was asked to speak about how much he loved his daughters and that they were special to him and that they were special to him on an eternal perspective, etc.

Well, that triggered an emotional breakdown from my daughter that I have never seen the likes of before.

Tuesday, January 19, 2016

Open Letter to my Kids' Step Mom

Recently I saw a video of a blended family that made my heart sing. It's about as ideal a situation that could exist in a blended family. It inspired me and I thought I'd write an open letter to my ex husbands new wife.

Dear Step Mom,

Monday, January 11, 2016


According to Miriam, the simple definition of Respect
noun  re·spect  \ri-ˈspekt\ 
 is a feeling of admiring someone or something that is good, valuable, important, etc. A feeling or understanding that someone or something is important, serious, etc., and should be treated in an appropriate way.

One of the common complaints in our support group is that it seems

Friday, January 8, 2016

Your Role as Educator in the Church

While the church is all about families, my limited experience has shown me that not many members are as familiar with blended families and their nontraditional functionalities. That’s why I believe that if you’re in a blended family you have the opportunity to act as an educator, teaching members about your family’s unique dynamic, sometimes including how your family operates.

As Deliah mentioned in our first post, 46% of US weddings create stepfamilies, and while I think we’d like to believe the church is immune, more and more of these weddings impact members of the church. So it makes sense that, when appropriate, we take the time to teach people how our families work so that they are better equipped to handle some of the unique situations blended families present.

A few months ago, my daughter’s YW advisor taught a touching lesson where she bore her testimony of the power of a father’s blessing, challenging all the girls to go home that day and ask their fathers for one. My daughter burst into tears

Monday, January 4, 2016

It's a New Day, a New Year...

The new year always brings out the posts about new years resolutions and goals.

As I have made my mental list of what I'd like to do better with this year, one of the obvious is to get more organized. As I think about this in my own life I reference just about every home improvement magazine out there. You can bet that in every January issue of every magazine there is at least one article if not the whole issue dedicated to being a better organizer. Why is this? Why do we wait until the beginning of a new year to dedicate ourselves to being a better organizer?  My best guess is that after the Holidays, with new toys, new clothes, new books and new jewelry (pffft!) we have too much stuff (some might say baggage)